What is success?

I was really stopped in my tracks the other day by this question:

What is success?

It came across it while reading Ann Voskamp's blog:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2015/04/the-5-key-questions-to-ask-to-get-you-out-of-any-hard-time-and-change-your-life/

I was scooting through the ‘5 key questions’, ticking off in my head that I knew the 'right' answers: Who is God? Tick. Sorted. What is truth? Tick. Yes, Jesus said “I am the truth”.

But when I came to 'What is success?' I faltered. The 'right' answer didn't come in a quick, succinct phrase. And I felt God challenge me: No, stop searching for the neat little response to fire back. Look at your life. Look at how you actually live. Look at what goes on in your head. What is the success you actually spend your effort trying to attain?

And then the answers came flooding quickly and easily:

What am I trying to achieve?

• for my children to be happy all the time - to always have the solution ready whenever they cry
• for my children never to misbehave as evidence of my excellent parenting
• for my husband to always be happy and pleased with me
• for my house to be clean and tidy all the time (but without me being OCD about it!)
• to have done something meaningful and helpful for someone approximately every 18 minutes
• for everyone who has ever met me to think I'm great because I'm always meeting up to their expectations and doing thoughtful things for them
• to never lose anything, forget anything, break anything
• to always know where everything is that any member of my family may want whether I was the last person to handle it or not
• to be effortlessly beautiful, fit and stylish
• to have done everything on the 'to do' list
• to never let anyone down

I think I'll stop there. Maybe your list has some elements in common with mine. An invisible list that we carry around in our heads, measuring ourselves up against.

And so you can see why feeling like a failure is a part of my everyday life. Maybe it is for you too. I'm discovering that not meeting up to the standards we set ourselves inside our heads is more the norm that the exception. And yet so often we feel like we’re the only one.

And I can see so clearly reading my own list how stupid and unrealistic these goals are. How totally unattainable and unachievable they are. How I can beat myself up for not achieving burdens that no one is putting on me except myself. Actually writing them down and looking at them in the cold light of day has been a huge first step to breaking free from their power over me; their ability to condemn me and make me want to throw in the towel and give up.

Where do we get these crazy goals from? There are many answers to do with things such as our upbringing, personality and key relationships in our lives. In addition, the internet, Pinterest and social media mean we open our lives to hundreds of messages that each have an impact and influence on us:

“Look! I ran a marathon three days after giving birth”

“Look at the amazing birthday party I threw for my two year old”

“Look what a perfect happy family holiday we had”

“The key to everything is . . . prayer . . . fasting . . . exercise . .  flossing . . . resting . . .”

I let myself get bombarded by these messages. I let others’ achievements make me feel like a failure. I decide to try this, that and the other but never get anywhere with it because the next day I read about something else.

This year has been a year of God opening my eyes to the fact that He is not laying any of these burdens on me. It's not what He is asking me to strive for.  I can see that but it takes a while to change the habit of a way of thinking, the habit of a way of living, the habit of listening to these voices rather than those of my Saviour.

What if he says,  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

So how does God define success?  I'm far from having developed a theological thesis on this. The whisper I feel in my heart is that it's to do with relationship. Relationship with God and relationship with others. Loving being loved.  Accepting being accepted. Enjoying the gifts God gave us to enjoy. Saying ‘yes’ to the simple opportunities to pass on the love I’ve received that He shows me.

Father, thank you that your love for me does not depend on my performance. Set me free from chasing after success in ways that are not in line with what you have called me to.  Shift my focus from striving to achieve to spending time with You and walking in the paths you show me. Amen.

Post script: In the days I’ve been working on this post I read this quote which redefines success by Heidi Baker in Reckless Devotion:

‘Competition and comparison with others don’t suit our DNA. We feel no pressure to succeed and excel, but we find joy in doing things well by the power of the Spirit.  God’s ways are the reverse of the world’s. We waste our time on the un-influential and the few, stopping for the one . . . . The truth is, we are doing what Jesus has told us to do where He has placed us. You must do what God has told you to do where He has placed you.  . . .  If you can learn to humble yourself and depend fully on Jesus, in reckless devotion, you will see miracles. . . as you determine to empty yourself and be filled with His presence, you will begin to see His life spilling out all over.’

And finally a quote from Michele Cushatt’s memoir Undone in which she shares her unbelievably tough story including her struggle with perfectionism and what she learnt about relationship through it all:

‘I’ve long held unrealistic expectations for myself, inhuman standards, and then judged myself according to how I met – or didn’t meet – them.  . . It took time to unlearn my insufferable independence and self-sufficiency. I’d thought them to be noble qualities, proof of worth. But I’d missed the pride and insecurity that often festered as a result.’

Her conclusion: ‘I needed help . . . I discovered life is far more beautiful – and endurable – when you don’t have to do it alone . . .  in the relinquishing of independence, I discovered community. My brokenness gave me connection, relationship. I thought asking for help was an admission of weakness. Instead, I discovered it a declaration of strength.’