Foreword: I have a perfectionist streak that would mean I wouldn't ever publish this because of the many flaws I see in it, but I am trying to step forward in obeying God's prompting to write something and to do it without delaying because then it ends up not getting done. So here are my ramblings, which I'm writing with the prayer that they may encourage and help someone who has maybe struggled with the same thing that I have.
I have a memory of someone (I don't remember who) explaining repentance and forgiveness to me like this:
"When you ask God to forgive you, He washes all your sins away and gives you a white robe to wear, that is pure and spotless because you are completely forgiven of your sins and they have gone. However, as you go through life, you do wrong things and this is like you getting that white robe dirty again. When you realise that this has happened, you need to come back to God and repent and ask for His forgiveness again and He will again take your sin away and make your robe perfectly white again."
The problem I had with this was, that I couldn't keep my robe white for very long. In fact, I discovered that the greatest commandment of all is to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and don't think I've managed to do that fully ever so my white robe was going to instantly start turning grey as soon as I'd finished getting it white again, even without me doing anything!
And so it felt like this. I'd repent (and I was taught it had to be true sorrow for my sin - so probably I needed to cry a bit to make sure I had done it properly). But even as I was given the white robe, I couldn't enjoy it because I knew I was going to get it dirty again pretty soon and I'd have to go through the whole thing again. In fact, it became like a terrible burden. I thought I ought to be so grateful for my white robe that this would motivate me not to get it dirty again but I just couldn't manage it.
Then I used to think "well I couldn't have truly been properly sorry enough or repented hard enough if I repeated the same sin so soon again afterwards". Then I'd run out of energy to repent "properly" and feel like it wasn't worth it because I was only going to sin again.
I remember being jealous of the thief on the cross getting saved just as he was dying so he didn't have time to mess up again. I wished I could know the minute before I would die so I could just become a Christian then and not have the terrible burden of guilt and condemnation I was carrying around.
I remember walking up my hill to help with a toddler group where we were meant to be reaching out with the gospel to the other mums coming along, but thinking, I wouldn't wish my Christianity on anyone. It is such a terrible burden. I feel so condemned all the time. I feel like God is so disappointed in me.
This past week I've been reading and re-reading Ephesians 1 and trying to get the truth of the gospel back into myself. Here's what God's infallible word says (I'm using The Passion Translation which I know is just the work of one man, but I believe he just helped me realise afresh the glorious truth of the gospel by expressing the same truth in fresh words - check out a more 'sound' translation to see if it lines up if you're not sure):
Ephesisans 1v 2 "believers . . . have been made holy by being one with Jesus'
If I believe in Jesus, I have been made one with Him. If I am one with Him, I have been made holy. I'm loving that past perfect tense verb - it happened in the past and it is finished. It has been done. I have been made holy.
How does God see me?
Ephesians 1 v 3 "he sees us wrapped into Christ"
And Jesus is sinless, spotless, perfect.
Then this next verse really is the one that changed my picture from the one I described at the top of the page:
Ephesians 1 v 4 "Because of his great love, he ordained us, so that we would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence"
I looked up the definition of 'ordained'. There were two key meanings:
1) appointed; established; settled; decreed
i.e. God has settled it and decreed that I would be seen as holy in his eyes
2) invested with authority to act as a priest
i.e. a priest is one who can come before God without needing a go-between. He made it so that he would see me as holy so that I can come into His presence like a priest.
Those last words - 'unstained innocence' really hit me. Because if the first picture is right, then as soon as we sin in any thought, attitude, lack of love etc etc then our innocence is 'stained'. So this verse would only apply to perfect believers (I don't know of any - do you?).
Then I realised - I am covered in JESUS' righteousness. His righteousness doesn't get stained! His robe is forever pure. If God is looking at me wrapped up in Jesus' righteousness He does not see my sin. He does not see stains. He is not measuring my performance.
This does not mean that I can just do whatever I want and it won't affect my relationship with God - 'by no means!' as Paul said.
What it means is that I can truly rejoice in the robe that I am given. It will not need a 90 degree wash with Vanish to keep it white. Jesus has made it pure and white for all time.
He knew when He died for me, every single sin and failure that I would commit in my whole life and He died to wash them ALL away. When He died on the cross ALL my sin was in the future. Now some of it is my past but all the times I will fail Him have been forgiven too so I can live in joy and freedom to know that I won't ever surprise or disappoint Him - He knows already. He chose to love me knowing already all that I would and wouldn't do.
So when the enemy whispers condemnation in my ear, I'm now telling him, "I have an unstained innocence" in God's eyes. His loving sacrifice has covered it all already.
Now that is a gospel that IS good news worth sharing.
