Kindness and gentleness

Kindness and gentleness.  I want more of these in my life. But I think I've been going about it the wrong way. I've been harsh with myself for my lack of kindness and gentleness. I've tried and striven and put my best effort in.  

But my attempts at kindness leave me burned out and worn out and empty. And my efforts at gentleness leave me stressed out and frustrated at my children running riot because they don't think I really mean it yet because I haven't 'lost it' yet.

So then I do lose it. Big time.

Bigger in proportion to how hard I've been driving myself.

And then I feel so rubbish. Such a failure. Condemned. Useless. Unworthy to ask forgiveness because I know I'm just going to do it all again. Then I either beat myself up and try again or give up and wallow in despair. 

This is what I feel God showed me this morning. Nothing 'new' as such, but just a reminder I guess.

Gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit. No vine ever bore fruit by beating itself up.

"All fruitfulness comes from intimacy" (Heidi Baker)

John 15:4,5, 9 (The Passion Translation)

"your life will be fruitless unless you live your life intimately joined to mine . . . As you live in union with me as your source, fruitfulness will stream from within you . . .  continually let my love nourish your hearts"

First, I need to realise that gentleness and kindness don't come from within me. I can drum them up a bit for a while but I soon 'dry up.'

Second, I need to look at my Heavenly Father and realise that gentleness and kindness are first and foremost descriptions of who He is. He is kindness itself. He is gentleness itself. He is kind to me. He is gentle to me. Before I can give any out, I need to receive. Receive His kindness. Accept His gentleness. Enjoy them. Soak in them. Fill up on them. Then when I want to think about how these look in my life. I need to ask Him what that means.

Kindness does not mean being a doormat everyone can walk over or letting others squeeze you dry. Gentleness does not mean you cannot be firm or have boundaries. 

So, I must look to Jesus as my example:

Who took a whip and cleansed the temple, yet stood meet and silent as Roman soldiers whipped his body

Who called the Pharisees a brood of vipers, yet said 'neither do I condemn you' to a woman caught in adultery.

Who did not leave off teaching to come when his mother called yet provided a new son to look after her even as he hung dying on the cross.

My version of kindness and gentleness are weak and short lived.

His version of kindness and gentleness broke the power of Hell to call me His daughter.

He is my source

He is my example.

He is my all.

Don't try to drum it up. Just abide. Receive. Let it flow in you until there is no more room and then you won't be able to help it spilling over. 

In looking for the Bible verses to add to this blog post I came across this quote of Charlie Chaplin. 

Not enough

I am not enough.

I do not exercise enough.
I do not eat healthily enough.
I do not contact my friends enough.
I am not patient enough.
I am not chilled enough.
I am not thin enough.
I am not 'cool' enough.
I am not fun enough.
I am not balanced enough.
I do not pray enough.
I do not read the Bible enough.
I do not love God enough.
I do not love others enough.

Guess what.

I discovered something surprising and a bit shocking.

It actually happens to be ok.
It actually happens that no one is enough.
It actually happens not to be a surprise to God.

And here's the thing:

He's actually happens to love me anyway.

My daughter is very messy in a beautifully creative way that can drive me bonkers.
I love her anyway.

My son is never at a point when he's finished the Lego model he's making or computer game he's playing. He is never ready to stop and eat a meal or brush his teeth or go to bed.  He finds being 'interrupted' VERY frustrating.
I love him anyway.

I love them because they're my children. 
No matter what they do.
Or how many times they do it.

And I'm just a 'not enough' mum. 
In too many ways to mention.

But. God.

God is enough.

He is loving enough.
Patient enough.
Kind enough.
Good enough.
Strong enough.
EVERYTHING enough . . .

 . . . to cope with my messes
 . . .  to handle my stresses
 . . .  to love me in spite of it all
 . . .  to bring me through it all

And He has a Son.
Whose Name is also Enough.

He lived a life that was enough -
good enough
patient enough
kind enough
loving enough
perfect enough
enough enough

Enough to take the just punishment for every 'not enough' there ever has been or ever will be.

He is my 'enough'.

When I come to God, I haven't loved Him enough, talked to Him enough, trusted Him enough, obeyed Him enough.

The enemy of my soul loves to keep me wallowing in the despair of my 'not enough'ness.

But the lover of my soul says:

I know.
I AM your enough.
Let me be your enough.
Let me exchange your not enough for my enough.

And when I finally collapse at his feet, exhausted and having given up trying to impress him with my efforts at enough-ness.  He smiles, "Welcome". And holds me close. And pours His enough over me and in me and through me.

And all the glory to goes to Him.

Apologies to the detailers reading this about the inconsistency in capitals and punctuation.  I do not have enough energy to sort it all out and I'm resting in His grace that it is good enough, because if I don't hit publish right now, I never will.