Vanish will not be necessary

Foreword: I have a perfectionist streak that would mean I wouldn't ever publish this because of the many flaws I see in it, but I am trying to step forward in obeying God's prompting to write something and to do it without delaying because then it ends up not getting done. So here are my ramblings, which I'm writing with the prayer that they may encourage and help someone who has maybe struggled with the same thing that I have. 

I have a memory of someone (I don't remember who) explaining repentance and forgiveness to me like this:

"When you ask God to forgive you, He washes all your sins away and gives you a white robe to wear, that is pure and spotless because you are completely forgiven of your sins and they have gone.   However, as you go through life, you do wrong things and this is like you getting that white robe dirty again.  When you realise that this has happened, you need to come back to God and repent and ask for His forgiveness again and He will again take your sin away and make your robe perfectly white again."

The problem I had with this was, that I couldn't keep my robe white for very long. In fact, I discovered that the greatest commandment of all is to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and don't think I've managed to do that fully ever so my white robe was going to instantly start turning grey as soon as I'd finished getting it white again, even without me doing anything!

And so it felt like this. I'd repent (and I was taught it had to be true sorrow for my sin - so probably I needed to cry a bit to make sure I had done it properly). But even as I was given the white robe, I couldn't enjoy it because I knew I was going to get it dirty again pretty soon and I'd have to go through the whole thing again. In fact, it became like a terrible burden. I thought I ought to be so grateful for my white robe that this would motivate me not to get it dirty again but I just couldn't manage it.

Then I used to think "well I couldn't have truly been properly sorry enough or repented hard enough if I repeated the same sin so soon again afterwards".  Then I'd run out of energy to repent "properly" and feel like it wasn't worth it because I was only going to sin again.

I remember being jealous of the thief on the cross getting saved just as he was dying so he didn't have time to mess up again. I wished I could know the minute before I would die so I could just become a Christian then and not have the terrible burden of guilt and condemnation I was carrying around.

I remember walking up my hill to help with a toddler group where we were meant to be reaching out with the gospel to the other mums coming along, but thinking, I wouldn't wish my Christianity on anyone. It is such a terrible burden. I feel so condemned all the time. I feel like God is so disappointed in me.

This past week I've been reading and re-reading Ephesians 1 and trying to get the truth of the gospel back into myself.  Here's what God's infallible word says (I'm using The Passion Translation which I know is just the work of one man, but I believe he just helped me realise afresh the glorious truth of the gospel by expressing the same truth in fresh words - check out a more 'sound' translation to see if it lines up if you're not sure):

Ephesisans 1v 2 "believers . . . have been made holy by being one with Jesus'

If I believe in Jesus, I have been made one with Him. If I am one with Him, I have been made holy.  I'm loving that past perfect tense verb - it happened in the past and it is finished. It has been done. I have been made holy.

How does God see me?

Ephesians 1 v 3 "he sees us wrapped into Christ"

And Jesus is sinless, spotless, perfect.

Then this next verse really is the one that changed my picture from the one I described at the top of the page:

Ephesians 1 v 4 "Because of his great love, he ordained us, so that we would be seen as holy in his eyes with an unstained innocence"

I looked up the definition of 'ordained'.  There were two key meanings:

1) appointed; established; settled; decreed
i.e. God has settled it and decreed that I would be seen as holy in his eyes

2) invested with authority to act as a priest
i.e.  a priest is one who can come before God without needing a go-between.  He made it so that he would see me as holy so that I can come into His presence like a priest.

Those last words - 'unstained innocence' really hit me.  Because if the first picture is right, then as soon as we sin in any thought, attitude, lack of love etc etc then our innocence is 'stained'.  So this verse would only apply to perfect believers (I don't know of any - do you?).

Then I realised - I am covered in JESUS' righteousness.  His righteousness doesn't get stained!  His robe is forever pure. If God is looking at me wrapped up in Jesus' righteousness He does not see my sin.  He does not see stains. He is not measuring my performance.

This does not mean that I can just do whatever I want and it won't affect my relationship with God - 'by no means!' as Paul said.

What it means is that I can truly rejoice in the robe that I am given. It will not need a 90 degree wash with Vanish to keep it white.  Jesus has made it pure and white for all time.

He knew when He died for me, every single sin and failure that I would commit in my whole life and He died to wash them ALL away.  When He died on the cross ALL my sin was in the future. Now some of it is my past but all the times I will fail Him have been forgiven too so I can live in joy and freedom to know that I won't ever surprise or disappoint Him - He knows already.  He chose to love me knowing already all that I would and wouldn't do. 

So when the enemy whispers condemnation in my ear, I'm now telling him, "I have an unstained innocence" in God's eyes.  His loving sacrifice has covered it all already.

Now that is a gospel that IS good news worth sharing.

God's masterpiece

About six months ago at housegroup, I was given my cup of tea in this amazing mug which revealed things God says about me as I drank down the drink. It blessed my socks off and I looked on the internet for it, only to find it was out of stock. 

(Possibly rather disturbingly) Facebook did not forget that I had wanted that mug and popped up an advert for it on my feed the other week once it was in stock again.  So I duly ordered it (of course, their marketing strategies have NO effect on me whatsoever!) intending to ask my husband to give it me for Christmas. 

Today, a delivery company that will remain nameless tried to deliver that parcel to my house while I was out.  As they got no answer at the door, they threw the parcel over the side gate. 

This is what I saw when I opened my parcel:

I took out the pieces and tried putting them together, wondering whether it was at all feasible to glue it back together somehow. As I tried to match up the words on the pieces, I was struck by what I saw:

The word 'piece' was in pieces!

It made me reflect on the truth of that statement.  

I am God's masterpiece.  However, I am also broken. But even in my brokenness I am still a masterpiece that He has made.

I am made in the image of God has the last bit of the word God missing.  It reminded me that I am not God. I am less than God. I bear His image, but imperfectly.

I loved the way that the word 'progress' was in so many pieces!  Yes! Still a lot of progress needed to piece me together, but God is working on me - Hallelujah!

It just made me laugh the way that the word 'over' was literally over the word 'comer' in 'overcomer'.  It reminded me to keep it in perspective. It's just a broken mug after all.  I need to get 'over' it! 

'I am grateful' at the bottom came as a challenge.  The mug I'd been wanting all these months and especially anticipating for the past few days after ordering it had arrived broken. But that doesn't need to break my gratitude.  There is always SO MUCH to be grateful for.  

So if you feel like your life is in pieces, just remember that you are STILL God's masterpiece. That truth holds firm even in the brokenness.  

And for those of you who like the idea of the mug, you can get one at:

https://cheerfullygiven.com/shop/i-am-so-many-things-yellow-mug

Just make sure someone is at home when you expect delivery of it!!  😂😂😂😂😂

Trading

So, I have a son who gets passionately into any crazes that are going on.

At the moment, most people with children know that Sainsburys is giving out packs of Lego cards for every £10 spent. An awesome way to get children to pester their parents to shop at Sainsburys!

There are 140 cards to collect and so you end up with multiple copies of some and then there are others you don't have at all. The way to complete your set (short of your parents spending thousands of pounds at Sainsburys) is to trade with others.  You give them a card they need and they give you one you need.

For each of you, the other's card is more valuable to you because it's one you don't have. So you both end up happy. (I have also been teaching my son the joy of generosity and of giving cards away free to those who don't have any that he needs.)

Similiarly in an online game in Roblox, you have pets that collect coins and then use the coins to upgrade your pets or buy better ones. You can also trade pets with other players.  When my children first wanted to play this game, I said I'd check it out. I ended up frittering away over an hour of my time collecting coins, trying to understand the game and wondering if there really was any more to it than that. I totally didn't get the whole trading thing so I didn't really do it except for once to check out what it was.

It seemed fine so I let my children play it. When they went on the game, within 10 minutes they were way further on in the game than I had got to because they did some really awesome trades where they gave a basic pet away and were given multiple super duper pets in return.  These pets could collect coins way quicker and enabled them to get into areas of the game that are blocked off to people until they have collected enough coins.

I don't know why those other players wanted my children's rubbish pets and were so generous in giving away amazing pets.   I've been wondering about whether later on in the game you need a basic pet again for some reason.   Or maybe they are just super kind players helping new people along to get into the game.  Right now, I don't know.

But it got me thinking about trading.  Trading works because the other person has something you want and you have something they want.

It got me thinking about the most awesome trade of all.  The one of Jesus' righteousness for my sin.  This trade enables me to get into Heaven, which is a place I could never get into by trying to earn 'coins' by my own efforts at being good.

Why would God want to make that trade?

The Bible says the answer is: love.

Does God really want my sin? Not really.  But He does want my heart. He wants my love in return. That is so valuable to Him that it was worth sending Jesus to die on the cross for.

In the game my children play, when someone wants to trade with you, you can accept or reject the trade. 

And that really is the biggest question of all:  will you accept this trade or will you continue to rush around trying to collect as many coins as you can in your own strength?

My children were delighted to gain so much by their trading.

Why do we find it so difficult to accept this trade with God?

Kindness and gentleness

Kindness and gentleness.  I want more of these in my life. But I think I've been going about it the wrong way. I've been harsh with myself for my lack of kindness and gentleness. I've tried and striven and put my best effort in.  

But my attempts at kindness leave me burned out and worn out and empty. And my efforts at gentleness leave me stressed out and frustrated at my children running riot because they don't think I really mean it yet because I haven't 'lost it' yet.

So then I do lose it. Big time.

Bigger in proportion to how hard I've been driving myself.

And then I feel so rubbish. Such a failure. Condemned. Useless. Unworthy to ask forgiveness because I know I'm just going to do it all again. Then I either beat myself up and try again or give up and wallow in despair. 

This is what I feel God showed me this morning. Nothing 'new' as such, but just a reminder I guess.

Gentleness and kindness are fruits of the Spirit. No vine ever bore fruit by beating itself up.

"All fruitfulness comes from intimacy" (Heidi Baker)

John 15:4,5, 9 (The Passion Translation)

"your life will be fruitless unless you live your life intimately joined to mine . . . As you live in union with me as your source, fruitfulness will stream from within you . . .  continually let my love nourish your hearts"

First, I need to realise that gentleness and kindness don't come from within me. I can drum them up a bit for a while but I soon 'dry up.'

Second, I need to look at my Heavenly Father and realise that gentleness and kindness are first and foremost descriptions of who He is. He is kindness itself. He is gentleness itself. He is kind to me. He is gentle to me. Before I can give any out, I need to receive. Receive His kindness. Accept His gentleness. Enjoy them. Soak in them. Fill up on them. Then when I want to think about how these look in my life. I need to ask Him what that means.

Kindness does not mean being a doormat everyone can walk over or letting others squeeze you dry. Gentleness does not mean you cannot be firm or have boundaries. 

So, I must look to Jesus as my example:

Who took a whip and cleansed the temple, yet stood meet and silent as Roman soldiers whipped his body

Who called the Pharisees a brood of vipers, yet said 'neither do I condemn you' to a woman caught in adultery.

Who did not leave off teaching to come when his mother called yet provided a new son to look after her even as he hung dying on the cross.

My version of kindness and gentleness are weak and short lived.

His version of kindness and gentleness broke the power of Hell to call me His daughter.

He is my source

He is my example.

He is my all.

Don't try to drum it up. Just abide. Receive. Let it flow in you until there is no more room and then you won't be able to help it spilling over. 

In looking for the Bible verses to add to this blog post I came across this quote of Charlie Chaplin. 

Not enough

I am not enough.

I do not exercise enough.
I do not eat healthily enough.
I do not contact my friends enough.
I am not patient enough.
I am not chilled enough.
I am not thin enough.
I am not 'cool' enough.
I am not fun enough.
I am not balanced enough.
I do not pray enough.
I do not read the Bible enough.
I do not love God enough.
I do not love others enough.

Guess what.

I discovered something surprising and a bit shocking.

It actually happens to be ok.
It actually happens that no one is enough.
It actually happens not to be a surprise to God.

And here's the thing:

He's actually happens to love me anyway.

My daughter is very messy in a beautifully creative way that can drive me bonkers.
I love her anyway.

My son is never at a point when he's finished the Lego model he's making or computer game he's playing. He is never ready to stop and eat a meal or brush his teeth or go to bed.  He finds being 'interrupted' VERY frustrating.
I love him anyway.

I love them because they're my children. 
No matter what they do.
Or how many times they do it.

And I'm just a 'not enough' mum. 
In too many ways to mention.

But. God.

God is enough.

He is loving enough.
Patient enough.
Kind enough.
Good enough.
Strong enough.
EVERYTHING enough . . .

 . . . to cope with my messes
 . . .  to handle my stresses
 . . .  to love me in spite of it all
 . . .  to bring me through it all

And He has a Son.
Whose Name is also Enough.

He lived a life that was enough -
good enough
patient enough
kind enough
loving enough
perfect enough
enough enough

Enough to take the just punishment for every 'not enough' there ever has been or ever will be.

He is my 'enough'.

When I come to God, I haven't loved Him enough, talked to Him enough, trusted Him enough, obeyed Him enough.

The enemy of my soul loves to keep me wallowing in the despair of my 'not enough'ness.

But the lover of my soul says:

I know.
I AM your enough.
Let me be your enough.
Let me exchange your not enough for my enough.

And when I finally collapse at his feet, exhausted and having given up trying to impress him with my efforts at enough-ness.  He smiles, "Welcome". And holds me close. And pours His enough over me and in me and through me.

And all the glory to goes to Him.

Apologies to the detailers reading this about the inconsistency in capitals and punctuation.  I do not have enough energy to sort it all out and I'm resting in His grace that it is good enough, because if I don't hit publish right now, I never will.

Small is beautiful too

One of the lies I've realised I've been 'living under' is that if you are 'getting it right' as a Christian that God will somehow make you 'big' or 'successful' (in a Christian sort of way of course - you know, like writing a bestseller, starting a world-changing non-profit, rescuing 4000 orphans, having a trending blog or being an international speaker).

So then, when your life is 'little' and doesn't seem to have a big impact you think "What am I doing wrong?"

I felt God whisper to my heart that He is way more creative than that.

When I look around at the world God has made, He has done lots of 'big' - mountains, oceans, stars and galaxies.

But He's also done a huge amount of incredible small - caterpillars turning into butterflies, cells containing enough DNA to create a whole person, atoms we can't split into tiny enough pieces to get to the bottom of.

God is a God of incredible variety and creativity. He loves big and He loves small and everything in between.  Just because my life isn't 'big' doesn't mean it isn't the way He wanted it to be. He delights in billions of 'little' stories happening all over the world simultaneously at every moment. He is big enough to be involved in every single story as if it was the only one.

He delights in the hidden stories just like we might delight in discovering a hidden little beach that is beautiful and peaceful. If you blogged, facebooked and tweeted about it, it would be destroyed from being what it is by the deluge of people who would come and crowd out the tranquillity and unspoilt calm.  God doesn't make everyone's story 'big' in terms of lots of people knowing about it or even being affected by it.  I believe for Him, that some of the beauty is in the hidden-ness of it all. He loves to see the life quietly laid down and poured out for Him. He waits to reveal it all in Heaven and reward in full.

This reminds me that the primary audience for my life is God. My purpose is more about my relationship with Him than in the impact I have on the world for Him. I can't do anything about that anyway and He chooses each of us to have different roles.

So when I look at Ann Voskamp or Heidi Baker or anyone else and think I should be like them. God says, "I've already got an Ann Voskamp. I don't want another one. I want a Claire. She's unlike anyone else who has ever lived and I have a journey for her that is unique too"  Yes we can learn from, be encouraged by and inspired by others, but don't feel you have to be them.

So God, thank you for loving me and making me the way I am. You made me on purpose to have a unique place in this world. Thank you for reminding me not to measure my importance by the size of my life. Thank you that my worth comes from You.  Amen.

God's faithfulness - my rampart

Psalm 91:4

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

The word rampart gave me in my mind the picture of a grassy embankment that you could hide behind.  The connotations are of hiding from an enemy who is attacking - maybe firing arrows as is the picture in Ephesians 6:16 which refers to the 'flaming arrows of the evil one'.

Some of the 'flaming arrows' that get me most  frequently are ones of doubting that God could still love me and be patient with me when I fall back into the same sins so often and am so weak in my faith and love for Him.

How can I defend against these attacks?  What is the rampart I can hide behind?  The answer: his faithfulness.  This reminded me of another verse:

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful,  he cannot deny himself."  2 Timothy 2:13

If God, who is all-knowing and outside of time, has decided to set His love and affection on me and to send His Son Jesus to die for my salvation, then nothing I do or say, or don't do or don't say can ever make Him change His mind about that love.  He already knows the whole story anyway. He already paid the price to redeem me anyway.  His character is one of faithfulness. He cannot change because it's part of who He is.

So I can say with confidence: He loves me.

And when I disappoint myself by the feebleness of my love for Him and the sinful thoughts and actions resulting from my cold heart, the enemy will tell me: He can't possibly love you. You are too pathetic and useless. You are swayed by every single thing you read and see and hear.

I can reply: Yes I am not steady in my love for God as I would wish. Yes my thought life and my actions are not fully pleasing to Him. But He is faithful.  No matter how rubbish I am. He does not and cannot change.  I can go to the Bible and read the promises there and stake my life on them because of His faithfulness.

God, you know the very worst of me. You know how inconstant my love for You is. You know all the sins and failures that the rest of today holds, let alone the rest of my life. And yet Your word tells me that You chose to love me. I rest on that promise because it depends on Your faithfulness. Thank you that it doesn't depend upon me at all. Amen